The Olive Reader

Now that I have joined the ranks of published authors, I imagine my life will change in a variety of ways – hopefully for the better. For one thing, I’m definitely really ready to start hanging out with a better class of friends. Yesterday, Peter asked me to pull his finger, and in a gross miscalculation he pooped his pants. Anyway, here are a few more ways I imagine my life will change now that I am a published author:

• More women. Or at least higher quality women. No more circus chicks or girls who live out of their vans.
• Will begin most sentences with, “Well, in my book I wrote that…”
• Will keep copies of my book casually splayed out on my coffee table. “Oh! How did that get there?”
• Will be able to afford gin that comes in an actual glass bottle (no more Right Aid brand, plastic jug gin).
• Will probably feel oddly compelled to purchase a cardigan sweater and a pipe.
• Will write favorable reviews of my book on Amazon.com at least once a week.
• Will send copies of my book to all my ex-girlfriends. So they know they’re missing out on dating a published author.
• May start to disregard my own feces.
• Will start calling wine “vino.” As in, “shall we order some vino?”
• Air will smell sweeter, food will taste better, and Random House will send me an apology letter for referring to my last spec novel as “an exercise in suckiness.”
• Will start hanging out with Nick Hornby.
• Will appear on Oprah only to later be discovered as a fraud who never really traded hand-jobs for smack in a Port Authority men’s room.
• Depending upon sales, may trick-out my Prius to look like Kit from “Knight Rider.”
• May teach a creative writing class at the local community college, mainly to scam on coeds. “Your prose has such a quality to it. It’s very mature, very textured. Are you not wearing a bra?”
• Will start going to art openings and saying stuff like, “I find his work very culturally relevant, but aesthetically I just can’t get past the fact that it’s feces smeared across a canvas.”
• And finally, will purchase a blouse or something for Lois. I’m thinking maybe something in mint.

Thanks for reading. And if you haven’t already, go buy my book! Papa needs a new pair of… booze.