The Olive Reader

Thirteen Moons by Charles Frazier

This is Frazier’s follow-up to Cold Mountain, and it deals with the same time-period and setting: the late 19th century American frontier, when the law was capricious and bath’s were infrequent. Thirteen Moons follows the life and young adulthood of Will Cooper, who at twelve years old was sent off to the edge of the Cherokee Nation with nothing but horse and a fanny pack full of ChapStick to run a trading post. Will grows into a man, falls in love, and befriends a Cherokee Chief named Bear (on a side note, why don’t you ever hear of an Indian Chief named Dog? All we have is a trashy bounty hunter and two past-their-prime rappers… I’m speaking of course of Nate and Snoop). Ultimately, Will ends up fighting alongside the Cherokee to preserve their homeland and culture; kind of like Kevin Costner and the Sioux in Dances With Wolves and later Tin Cup.

The book though, is very well written. Frazier knows his way around the English language and spins a compelling and insightful story. But rather than going on and on about the prose (whoopdeedoo Charles Frazier is a big deal who writes historical fiction and wins fancy awards), I’d like to point out a few things that I would do differently if I were to write a historical novel about 19th century America:

• Everybody would have rickets.
• There would be no orphans, hookers with hearts of gold, or confederate army deserters who’ve degenerated into banjo-playing vagrants.
• Four words: Native American beat boxing.
• My grizzled outdoorsman character who lives by the fat of the land and has forgotten how to exist in an ever-modernizing world would be named Marty.
• He would be played by Adrien Brody in the filmic adaptation.
• And by Jonathan Silverman in the made-for-TV movie.
• The book would point out some of the benefits of the white man indiscriminately killing off all the buffalo. For instance, now if you go driving along Interstate 80, you rarely have to worry about hitting a buffalo that’s crossing the highway.
• There would be a forward which asks the reader to take a drink of beer each time he or she comes across the words “courage,” “infantry,” or “tobacco pouch.”
• Like any good antebellum novel, there will be a feisty plantation owner’s daughter. Only this one will be into S&M and erotic role play.
• The physical description of the male and female love interests would be historically accurate and include missing teeth, small pox scars, and mysterious rashes due to questionable physical hygiene.

So as soon as I’m done promoting Brian Griffin’s Guide to Booze, Broads, and the Lost Art of Being a Man, get ready for Deep Gulch, the adventures of Marty, the ricket-addled grizzled outdoorsman with a buffalo-skin tobacco pouch and a festering sore on his upper buttocks.